THE WAKANDA QUESTION

“US government lists fictional nation Wakanda as trade partner”

“US government lists fictional nation Wakanda as trade partner”

BBC News, 12/19/19

Mr. President, last item for the day.

Hurry up, I got a T time.

It’s about Wakanda.

Who?

Not a person.

Wait. I know this. Prime Minister somebody of somewhere.

Now, see. This is what we’re afraid of.

Relax. I got through the shithole thing. I told you we would. Shithole trumps Missile alert. Porn Star Trumps shithole, When will you guys learn to trust me?

Sir, this could be important. I need you to focus.

I need a Diet Coke and a chocolate donut.

Wakanda, Sir.

I told him what kind. Diet Coke/Chocolate.

(Intercom) On its way, Mr President!

See? We’re good, Susan.

I’m Stephanie, Sir.

Whatever.

Our concern, Sir, is the Press is gonna try a gotcha.

Let ’em try. I’ll ropadope that bitch right out of the ring.

We’re not talking April, Sir.

She’s small potatoes.

Wakanda, Sir. That’s the issue I need you to address.

Ok.

Okay?

OK.

Okay. So. This might sound a little kooky. But Wakanda is an imaginary African country in the Marvel Universe with highly developed technology and no white people. It’s in the movie The Black Panther. A movie that is very popular. Sir?

Yes.

So we are frankly. I mean, our concern is that we not be Baited.

Here’s your treat, Mr. President!

Goodie!

Oh shit.

Sir, I don’t want to take up a lot of your time with this.

You want any?

No, thank you.

Ahhhh, that’s good. Here, have a sip.

No thanks.

Really, take a sip.

I really couldn’t, Sir.

Drink the Damn Pepsi, Susan.

Thank you, Sir. Delicious.

Huh? Didn’t I say?

You did.

So this African thing. What kinda problem are we looking at.

Wakanda.

That’s what I asked.

Wakanda.

That’s what I wanna know.

Wakanda Country is not real.

Narnia? Namboobia? Normay?

Sir, I’m not testing you. I’m trying to help.

Well, dammit, stop trying, Sandra, and do your job.

If a reporter —

— like April?

No! Any reporter. Asks you about Wakanda. Do Not Answer.

Why not?

It’s a trap.

It is?

Like a perjury trap. A very clever Democrat trap.

I know these people, Sally. They are not that clever.

Sir. We could have a whole news cycle on this. We could go for days.

That could be good.

No! That could not be good. That could be very very bad! So. 1. Don’t answer the question.

What kind of question?

The Wakanda question.

That’s what I’m asking.

Wakanda.

That’s what I want to know.

Wakanda! Wakanda! WAKANDA!!

That is one great chocolate donut.

Sir?

You want some.

No, Sir. I just ate.

Have a bite.

No thanks.

Go on.

Sir, please.

Have a goddamn bite, Cindy!

Thank you, Sir.

See? Didn’t I tell you? What are you smiling about?

Sir? I have the perfect solution.

About time.

If any reporter asks you about Wakanda, the imaginary country from Africa.

I only said “shithole” 4, 5 times. Seven tops.

Sir.

Wakanda. Bamabotta. Martoga. Who the fuck cares?

Sir. Can I be honest?

That’s not what I hired you for, Sally.

This will only take a second, Sir. Anyone asks you about Wakanda you say this. “The people of the United States have enjoyed a long and fruitful trade relationship with the great country of Wakanda.” Can you remember that?

Piece o cake. The people of the United States have enjoyed a long and fruitful trade relationship with the great country of Wakanda.

Perfect, Sir. One more time.

The people of the United States have enjoyed a long and fruitful trade relationship with the great country of Wakanda.

Mr. President. I think it’s going to be a great second term.