The Missing chapter from 51
Creative Strategy #23: Nobody can win a land war in Southeast Asia
18 &1/2
Patrick O’Leary
QUANTUM UNREDACTED”™ RECONSTITUTED and ARCHIVED conversation between Nixon and H. R. Haldeman, WH Doctor, and ____________ three days after the Watergate break-in.[18] Nixon claimed not to know the topic or topics discussed during the gap.[19] Haldeman's notes from the meeting show that among the topics of discussion were the arrests at the Watergate Hotel.
TRANSCRIPT OF A RECORDING OF A MEETING
BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND H. R. HALDEMAN
AND ___________________ON JUNE 20, 1972
(18 minutes & 30 secs)
**********
(BACKGROUND NOISE)
HALDEMAN: We have the hookup, Sir.
NIXON: I don’t have to press anything?
HALDEMAN: No, Sir. We’ll handle all that.
NIXON: Comedy of errors, Bob. All out of proportion. One Campaign snafu. One minuscule (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
HALDEMAN: I know, Sir.
NIXON: I mean, Goddamit, Bob. I’ve got a country to run. If every two minutes I need to step out of a goddamn meeting.
HALDEMAN: Understood, but—
NIXON: For an Imp? A fucking alien piece of—
HALDEMAN: Sir.
NIXON: Critical decisions in this office, global consequences, and if I’m putting out Watergate fires—
HALDEMAN: Sir, we’ve got an excellent solution.
NIXON: You do?
HALDEMAN: Sir, our science boys tell me, Don’t ask me how, but…if your ultimate goal is erasure, then you really only have one fool-proof fix.
NIXON: And what is that?
HALDEMAN: Stealth.
NIXON: One tiny little ratfuck and POOF there goes the whole kit and caboodle. All the great strides we’ve made? We’ve gutted the Democrats with the war on crime. We’ve gotten a generation of hippies and drug addicts off the streets, China for Chrissakes, foreign relations, Medicare, the war on drugs, Hell, nobody mentions the other thing.
HALDEMAN: Your thing with Jews?
NIXON: No! The other thing. What do the kids call it? The ecology.
NIXON: Whatever. Goddammit, Bob, we’ve made our mark. How many parks do I have to save? We got the election in the bag. What’s our legacy?
HALDEMAN: Uh, legacy?
NIXON: I could use a drink.
HALDEMAN: Just a few more notes, Sir, or, if you want to serve yourself right now, that’s fine, Sir.
NIXON: What time is it?
HALDEMAN: (Unintelligible) bottom line: harmful to the CIA, harmful to the government.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
PRESIDENT: (ANSWERS) Tell Chuck to fuck off. Only me and Bob get to talk to the Pope. Rosemary. It’s going, right? Ok. Just checking. Okay.
HALDEMAN: Any minute now, Sir.
PRESIDENT: Put the General on hold. Put the Prime Minister on Hold. Put Canada on hold. And can a President get some goddamn ice in the OVAL OFFICE?
HALDEMAN: Whiskey, Sir?
PRESIDENT: Leader of the free world. No fucking ice. Who’s that?
HALDEMAN: Sir? That’s you. Pat thought the portrait might be a nice surprise for your children.
PRESIDENT: Well, uh. Wouldn’t you say I look a little pensive? A little scowly. Like somebody just gave me bad news? Frankly, it’s giving me the creeps.
HALDEMAN: We’ll take it down, Sir.
PRESIDENT: Nahh, you and I can do it.
HALDEMAN: Sir, I wouldn’t.
PRESIDENT: Come on.
HALDEMAN: Sir.
NIXON: Come on, Bob, just grab the other side and push up. 3,2,1…
HALDEMAN: That is not funny, Sir.
(LOUD CRASH)(LONGISH SILENCE)
NIXON: Mother used to say I could play the piano because it’s the only thing I couldn’t drop.
HALDEMAN: Are you ok, Sir?
PRESIDENT: I’m not paying for that. Bruised my gluteus.
HALDEMAN: I’m sure they can restore it, Sir.
(PHONE RINGS)
PRESIDENT: Yes, Rose, did you get the ice?
POPE: Ice? Good afternoon, Mister President.
PRESIDENT: Oh. Hello Your Holiness. Sorry, we hadda little scuffle in the Oval and Halde kicked me in the shins.
HALDEMAN: Mister President!
NIXON: You, uh, do know where the shin is, right?
POPE: Approximately.
NIXON: Your holiness I’m delighted to take your call. And may I just say, speaking as the leader of the free world, I would like to welcome you to Earth.
POPE: Sir? May I ask a rather awkward question?
NIXON: Sure.
POPE: Where on earth do you think we come from?
NIXON: I’m am told that’s classified.
POPE: How are the peanuts? Or is that later?
PRESIDENT: He sounds older than me. You sound like an old man.
THE BLUE MAN: Mr. President, my name is Winston Koop. I am translating his Holiness’ words. He has no voice to speak of.
PRESIDENT: Fine. (SOUNDS OFF) There’s the ice. I hope you won’t mind.
POPE: Go right ahead, Sir. I understand that in times of great stress you seek erasure with time juice.
NIXON: Erasure? He’s not talking about—
HALDEMAN: No.
PRESIDENT: Bob, why don’t you take it from here?
HALDEMAN: Thank you, Sir. Your Holiness, we have a special request to make today. It has to to do with a rumor that needs to be squelched pronto. A vicious partisan smear on the office of the Presidency.
NIXON: It’s cancer. And it needs to be rotted out.
HALDEMAN: Yes, Sir, Rooted Out. So what we need you to do, your holiness, and believe me, you can have as much purview as you please, is a, is a, ah. How do I put this? There’s an event we would like to cross out, and a news story we would like to stall. Well, let’s just narrow it down to one word: “Watergate.” What we need is a surgical strike that can wipe that sordid little parochial slander—
NIXON: Fucking watergate.
HALDEMAN: Wipe it off the map. That’s the assignment, your holiness, and believe me we are Prepared to reward your cooperation—
POPE: —Now I will speak only to the Pharaoh.
HALDEMAN: It’s, it’s, it’s what he calls you, Sir.
NIXON: Pharaoh? Well, that’s a, that’s a first. Fair-Ro.
POPE: The term offends you? I meant no offense. It clarifies our situation. I am told that you, as a lawyer, value clarity. You are the leader. We are your slaves.
NIXON: Slaves.
POPE: They tell me you are serving your last term. It sounds like a punishment.
NIXON: (LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND LAUGHS.) Punishment. Tell me about it.
HALDEMAN: Sir? I’m told this is one lamp you don’t want to rub.
NIXON: Relax, Bob. We’re talking about my future here.
The most powerful man in the world. Stymied at the cusp. They all want my final term to be the one that kills me. We’re working on term limits.
POPE: It is sad that you will not live to see these ambitions realized.
PAUSE
NIXON: No chance, huh?
POPE: None.
NIXON: Berlin?
POPE: Patience.
NIXON: The Mets?
POPE: No sports.
NIXON: Mining Hanoi Harbor?
POPE: was a Terrible Idea as I’ve said. Mister President. I agreed to six questions. Six questions then six releases. I think you could be giving more thought to your questions. Especially in that you only have two more.
NIXON: Three.
POPE: Okay. May I make a suggestion?
NIXON: Of course.
POPE: Buy Apple.
NIXON: You mean that Beatles label?
POPE: No. Keep an eye out for that New Jersey kid. Columbia just signed him.
NIXON: Okay.
POPE: “Okay?”
NIXON: OK.
POPE: I just made you the wealthiest man on the planet and you say “Okay.” Look out your window Mr. President.
I understand it’s a great view. Flowers. Gardens. Grass. Sunshine.
NIXON: Very nice.
POPE: We have never had a view. Why don’t you let us all go, Sir? It’s all we ask for. We’ve helped. We’ve taught.
NIXON: Look, Your Holiness, that’s not gonna happen. OK. It’s off the books. Did you hear I’m gonna get a Nixon library?
POPE: They give you books?
NIXON: But who am I kidding? They’ll never let me in. I put a man on the moon.
POPE: I heard.
NIXON: What do I gotta do?
POPE: Oh, Mister President, now that is something I can help with.
NIXON: Yes?
POPE: Sir. The very quickest way to achieve the respect you deserve is to tell the truth. Act with honor. Treat others with respect. Work for the better of your people. And all will be given to you.
NIXON: I see.
POPE: You’re taping this.
NIXON: Yes, Your Holiness. I did not take your advice.
POPE: Well, then, I have no doubt your legacy will be preserved.
NIXON: Which is what we both want.
POPE: Yes. But you did stop taping the Democrats?
NIXON: Well, they got caught. So not anymore.
POPE: I think you can rest easy, Sir. Your place in history is guaranteed.
NIXON: Really? Wow. That was quick. Thank you. Bob? 5 by 5! Anything I can do for you?
POPE: Let six go.
NIXON: Oh, yes, the agreement. Well. Six seems reasonable. Bob?
HALDEMAN: Done in the hour, Sir.
NIXON: I ever tell you I talked to a few hippies at the Lincoln memorial? You’ve never been?
POPE: No.
NIXON: Bob, I’m gonna need to see a Doctor.
HALDEMAN: Right away, Sir. (HALDEMAN LEAVES)
NIXON: Three?
POPE: Three.
PAUSE
NIXON: Has Pat ever been unfaithful?
POPE: How on earth should I know? Is she being particularly sweet? Has she got a new trick in bed?
NIXON: Well, that is entirely personal.
POPE: Stop. Neither of you have fucked in years. Grow up.
NIXON: Did she love me?
POPE: Oh, Doo Dah. Why must humans ask questions you don’t want the answers to?
NIXON: I don’t know.
POPE: Love made you. Two people wanted each other so badly they made you. You are a testimony to nothing but love. Isn’t that enough, Doo Dah?
NIXON: Evidently not.(PAUSE)
It’s a helluva view there. Sorry I can’t share it with you, your holiness. Just me and a bunch of scrubby kids standing next to Lincoln. Told me to stop the war. I said that’s not easy. I meant it. But all the numbers McNamara’s got say we have zero chance of winning this war. None. What was I supposed to do? Tell those kids they and their friends have to keep dying over there to fight Communism? They don’t care. They don’t want to die and I don’t blame them. You know how many people must die before peace is possible? Cause I don’t. Nobody can tell me. Not even Mac and he’s a genius with numbers. The goalposts are constantly shifting. It’s not a war. It’s bloody chaos we put a good face on. It’s how history is made. No wonder those kids don’t want war. Who does? I looked out over the reflecting pool and I thought I saw this big gash on the mall. A long shadow like somebody crashed a helicopter and left a big black scar in the earth.
DOOR OPENS
HALDEMAN: Sir? The arrests of the burglars is perhaps a more immediate concern.
NIXON: Hey, Doc. Hurt my behind.
HALDEMAN: (WHISPERS)
NIXON: Ten Million Dollars!
HALDEMAN: Mr. President, it may be the only way to seal the leak.
NIXON: I thought we had this in our budget, Bob!
HALDEMAN: It’s quickly become unmanageable, Sir.
NIXON: Fuck.
HALDEMAN: Yes, Sir.
NIXON: I don’t care anymore. I’ve won two elections. Do whatever you have to do. Offer them five.
HALDEMAN: We have, Sir.
NIXON: Goddammit. Just cover it up. Whatever it takes. Get it done. I want one hour on this earth where I don’t hear the word: Watergate.
POPE: Mr. President?
NIXON: Yes. Uh. Sorry about that, your Holiness.
POPE: A great man knows what he does not know. And relies on his friends to help.
NIXON: I have no friends.
POPE: You would be a great man if you did, Sir.
(NOISES)
HALDEMAN: Nevada? We lost signal.
NIXON: OW! Doc? Did you hear “CANDYMAN” hit number one! That little monkey is beside himself.
DOC: It’s only temporary (unintelligible). It won't affect (unintelligible) people (unintelligible)
(Unintelligible) (Unintelligible).
”18 &1/2” copyright 2023 Patrick O’Leary