Survivors recognize each other.

Creative Strategy #99: Ask for help. Help others.

The violence you did to yourself to survive trauma.

It leaves a mark.

A hidden tattoo only survivors get.

The hopeless Hypervigilance:

Watching our parents every move like a sad dog

at a ping pong match.

Constantly forecasting outcomes,

(Maybe they won’t leave us?)

monitoring hotspots,

(NO spills. A Big NO.)

consulting damage control options:

flight, freeze and fight.

You are on High Alert.

Think of yerself as a soldier defending a wall.

A crumbling wall.

You are on guard duty.

and it’s on you, little soldier.

Because you are little, aren’t you?

Somebody forgot to explain the rules to you.

(That’s the Grown Up job. Yer just a kid.)

And you really need so badly to know the rules

sometimes

you’ll break them to find out

and feel the relief

when the spanking comes

(because you’ll never get spanked for that again.)

But remember you don’t know the rules

so how can you break them?

Must you be totally silent until Dad is done talking?

Are they ever gonna start talking to each other again?

This silence is scary.

Is someone gonna remember dinner?

We hear everything you say

and much that you don’t.

But it’s up to us to fill in the blanks.

If we had a choice about anything

we wouldn’t get anywhere near you.

But we can’t move. We’re stuck here.

In this dark house

with these two crazy people.

It’s their house not yours.

You learn quickly. There are no rules.

There is no safety.

And it’s always your fault.

And that’s when they teach you about

the invisible god who loves you

and the bad place where the bad children go.

—Patrick O’Leary 9/7/22