Maybe all religion is a misunderstanding.
Creative Strategy #81: No, really.
I recall a friend showing off his dog who always responded and rolled over when he said “Roll Over.”
Now watch this, my friend said.
He looked at the dog and said: Oh, Oh.
The dog rolled over.
Toll Booth.
The dog rolled over.
Odd Job.
The dog rolled over.
So the dog had not learned the words.
He had learned the command.
How much of our knowledge is a rote misunderstanding of the world?
Surely the dog wishes to maintain a mutually beneficial thang
with his Master, who is satisfied with obedience,
and mistakes it for intelligence and conformation of
the power/politics involved,
but he is unaware there was no such actual exchange of information.
The dog did not understand. The Master did not understand.
Their presumptions insulated them from new information,
thus ignorance becomes ritual.
What if knowledge, in all its aspects, is like that?
Essential misunderstanding?
Remember a world where “sacrifice” was normal?
What if every sacrifice to appease an invisible and enraged deity really worked?
Or it worked often enough for people to believe.
And everyone was so afraid of breaking tradition.
I mean it didn’t go away overnight.
Hope says we gotta call off all the lottery festivities of spring and harvest.
Can't we at least keep our festivals?
My wife sells a ton of sacrificial trinkets.
I mean--of course--there's that whole unpleasant business
of throwing virgins off cliffs and what have you.
REST ASSURED OH MERCIFUL MANAGER OF THIS TERRIFYING WORLD
We see your lightning o great god.
We are in awe and we are afraid.
Now let’s kill Marjorie.
You know what I think happened?
Stormy night, tall pyramid, scary thunderstorm, priest pretends to command it by standing bull-eye on the highest peak.
Old featherhead holding up his knife to the stars.
I think one of those guys must have been struck by lightning.
Had to happen. Guar-an-teed, as Denzel says.
What if the first person who ever got struck by lightning
that lucky bastard
became the centerpiece of culture.
God's chosen.
Struck by the hand and thunderbolt of Thor
and survived CERTAIN DEATH.
Now that is a fucking campfire story.
What if every religion is a great misunderstanding?
What if we got the idea of command
by projecting it onto nature. Thunderclap.
God's angry.
Rain. God's beneficent.
Flood. God's a real prick but we must not say so.
Famine. Maybe if we stop eating he will stop punishing us. Fasting baby!
Was the resourceful and maybe Wacko Priestly Thunderclap
in need of a new torture victim to keep the doubtful at bay?
And it went from a seasonal ritual to a monthly ritual in no time.
Regular hours. Good pay.
Moses and the 30 commandments
Maybe God's commandments were so outrageous Moses felt compelled to, step in, massage them, make them more palatable, you know, give them the once-over.
Imagine a smooth account person trying to corral a 3-martini client into narrowing his incredibly ambitious west coast marketing plan into a manageable tik-tok presence.
Moses says, Okay. Commandment Number One.
God quotes himself: “I am the only god”?
Yes. Fine. Clear. Simple. But let’s you and me unpack that.
First off: If it's true why do you have to say it? You see what I mean? I don’t have to say the sun its shining…it’s right up there. It’d be like a kid showing up to his own birthday saying, “It’s my birthday.”
I just woke up. I haven’t even caffeinated yet. What are you saying?
A lot of people follow the other gods. And, frankly, they have some spicy architecture.
I am the only god.
Yes, yes, of course. I’m talking imps, real low-grade powers, the daemonic, the fairies, the angels, teen temptresses, the trickster elves, the ineffable apparitions who promulgate the idea that the body is incorporeal and thus immortal. What do you call them? Ghosts?
Oh, those guys. Yeah, I meant to take them out a couple of extinction events ago. Also Ifs, toadstools, sprites and leprechauns.
You know what? Fuck the Leprechauns. You're the best?
I am the best.
Trust me. I’ll spruce it up.
How about
"I am the Lord Thy God. Thou Shall have no other gods before me."
Now that’s an Entrance. Draw a line in the sand. Corner the market. Consolidate the myths.
You’ll own the meme forever.
What is a meme?
Lord, you let me worry about that.
I mean clearly the ten commandments were an early draft.
I betcha they ran it up to 30 before they cut back.
How else to explain why they left off rape, torture, slavery, treating women like sperm spitoons.
I mean did we really need God to clarify that we shouldn't kill?
Did it occur to nobody else?
I hear Men Shall Always Get The Biggest Slice was #12 for a while.
Maybe that’s all religion is:
A Bad Draft. Bad reception. Bad translation.
Or Bad intent.
Or bad faith.
—Patrick O’Leary